WANTED: One plain white toilet seat

The hardware store? Bed, Bath & Bullshit? Home Depot? Do I have to call a plumber? These questions ran through my mind as I prepared to tackle my to-do list for today. I'm youngish, and not a home owner, so I've never had to purchase a replacement toilet seat before.



Ours got cracked during our last party. Don't ask.



Now it's broken in half.* Not exactly welcoming. It pinches!



So I went to the hardware store up the street. No luck. Next I walked over to Atlantic Center, figuring I'd get office supplies at Office Depot and maybe check the housewares department at Marshall's. No luck. No luck. And no luck with the office supplies either. Then I realized there was a place called House & Home in the building. I'd never been there, but the name had the ring of a good bet.



I found myself in toilet-seat heaven. Or hell. Depending on how you look at it. I'm tempted to go back with my camera so you can see what I'm talking about. No wonder the guy at the hardware store thought I was nuts. Toilet seats are "decorator" items, not simply utilitarian. These seats must be seen to be believed--I'd never imagined such seats! Red leatherette, embroidered with florals, embossed with whales & dolphins, faux woodgrain-printed puffy plastic, mother-of-pearl mosaics. All manner of prints and stripes, pink, burgundy, sage green, navy blue, a wan-looking grey optimistically dubbed "sterling silver." Rainbows, watercolors, appliqués of animals and sailboats. Balloons. Sunsets. Faux marble, "fashion" plastic, even translucent cast resin with floating glitter and rose petals.



But the best of all? Despite its absolute hideousness, the best of all was an aquamarine cast resin seat with sea shells and sea weed and right in the center of the lid an actual dried seahorse.



*Reminds me of one of the party scenes in William Gaddis's The Recognitions where the the Clement Greenberg character asks one of the artist characters what he's been up to. The artist (who'd been dissed by said critic before) replies something like, "My new work involves sawing toilet seats in half for half-ass critics like you."